


Third Party Negotiations

by trick-please (EveJobs)



Category: Veep (TV)
Genre: Multi, Yuletide 2016
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-09 01:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8869627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EveJobs/pseuds/trick-please
Summary: Amy stumbles upon a secret in the Veep's office that just might give her the edge she's been desperate for.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [virginie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/virginie/gifts).



> This is set mid-season 3, somewhere between Dan's appointment to Selina's Campaign Manager and his eventual breakdown. Thanks to my beta, [teyla](http://archiveofourown.org/users/teyla/pseuds/teyla)!

Amy is slipping.

Her relationship is a sham, she’s got no actual friends outside the office, and Dan has just been made campaign manager instead of her. She doesn’t really care so much about the first two points, but attributing the whole extent of her failures to Dan would be giving him more credit than she’s personally comfortable with.

Fucking Dan. From the moment he weaseled himself into Selina’s staff, Amy knew he would be her downfall. The Veep has a special talent for always choosing the slimiest, most two-faced men to place her trust in. Andrew, Ted, Dan… and there’s a disgusting thought, is Dan Veep-fucking? Amy would like to think that she’d notice if he were trying to put the moves on someone - she’s certainly witnessed him doing it often enough at this point to read the signs. And Selina has never been able to hide an affair from her. And yet… could she really be that out of touch? Would Dan stoop that low? Who is she kidding, of course he would.

Amy always thought that she had a special relationship with the Veep, something maybe almost resembling a friendship, but lately she’s been feeling herself losing ground more and more. The other day, she even caught Selina giving her that fucking fake-ass smile she usually reserves for obnoxious campaign donors or public appearances appealing to senior voters (“Half of these people are gonna drop dead by the time the polls open,” she said on the last such occasion.)

And now she’s sent Amy off to get a report from her desk and bring it to Dan. A fucking errand. Like she suddenly lost all her hair and turned into Gary or something. Amy doesn’t even know where to find Dan, after he fucked off earlier to conduct one of his “private brainstorming sessions” where he allegedly “compiles a shitload of information into the perfect strategy”, which Amy assumes is code for hiding in a closet to either masturbate or cry, possibly both at the same time.

He’s not the only one missing. The VP offices are eerily empty, with half the staff having migrated to the campaign headquarters and the rest calling it a day after Selina left for dinner with an important donor. Amy is about to push down on the door handle when she hears a muffled noise coming from inside Selina’s office. Her heart starts beating a little faster. Either she was right about Dan’s brainstorming activities, or she’s about to run in on the ballsiest burglary D.C. has seen in over 40 years.

As she bursts into the office, Amy discovers that there was a third option she didn’t consider. She stops dead in her tracks, her jaw falling open as she takes in the scene before her. Dan and Jonah stare back, looking about as shocked as she feels, frozen in place behind the desk. Time seems to stop for a few seconds, neither of them sure how to react, until Jonah curses quietly, making the tiniest of movements, prompting an undignified little squeak from Dan, who does his best to hide his face behind his elbow on the desk and – Amy tries to remember if she’s ever heard him make that sound before and comes up with nothing, which is crazy, considering – and something about that makes her snap out of her stupor, or just snap entirely, because she starts laughing uncontrollably.

“I’m sorry,” she gasps, turning her back on the two in an attempt to at least preserve a little bit of their dignity, but still unable to stop herself from giggling hysterically.

“Oh that’s very mature, Amy,” says Jonah, and Dan still hasn’t said anything, which somehow makes the situation even funnier, but she takes a deep breath and wipes the tears out of her eyes, shooting back, “Don’t talk to me with your dick out, Jonah,” and at least that seems like something of a return to normalcy under these circumstances, so she keeps talking. “What the fuck even possessed you to do this in Selina’s office, of all places?” she asks, trying very hard to ignore the little wet sound and muffled groan behind her, trying even harder to remind herself that she should not be turned on by any of this.

“Well _Dan_ was supposed to lock the door,” Jonah replies indignantly and Dan finally snaps, shouting “Shut the fuck up, Jonah! And get off your high horse, Amy, as if you’ve never fantasized about doing the exact same thing.”

Amy snorts. “What, you mean getting bent over a desk by Jonah? Can’t say I have.”

Dan groans in exasperation but can’t seem to come up with an adequate comeback. Instead he says, “You can stop talking to the wall now, we’re. We’re dressed.”

“You know,” Amy says as she spins around, “I always suspected there was some sexual tension in your constant bickering.” There’s something very satisfying about seeing Dan like this, all disheveled with his shirt only half tucked into his pants, his usually perfect hair all messed up and sticking to his shining forehead. This is what leverage feels like, she thinks. “I have to admit, I’m surprised you guys actually figured this out and turned it into what I assume is a very dysfunctional little hate-fuck arrangement.”

“Oh, can you please not analyze this?” Dan’s voice cracks a little toward the end and Amy almost feels sorry for him. Almost.

“Fair enough,” she says.

“Soooo… what do we do now?” Jonah pipes up. Unlike Dan, he seems completely unfazed by the situation, sounding as if they’re about to discuss which restaurant to go to.

“Well,” Amy says conversationally, “obviously I’m blackmailing you. Let’s just get that out of the way.”

Dan looks resigned. “What do you wa-” he starts, but Jonah cuts him off by putting one of his gigantic hands on his chest. “You can’t do that! That’s discrimination, we could sue you for that!” Jonah is shouting, suddenly furious. Dan looks at him like he’s trying to silence him with his mind. Jonah doesn’t seem to notice. “And screw you, Amy,” he spits, “I was going to invite you to a threesome, but now I don’t even want to anymore.”

Amy scrunches up her face. “Okay, first of all ew, never in a million years. Second of all, this isn’t about Dan fucking guys, it’s about Dan fucking _you_ , specifically. Why would I discriminate against someone for having the same sexuality as me? Plus I’m pretty sure Dan is already out to most people in the office anyway.”

“She’s right,” Dan says. Jonah goes quiet, looking at him like a wounded animal. Again, a vague feeling of sympathy creeps up on Amy. She swallows it down. Eye on the prize.

“So how about you resign as campaign manager,” she offers.

Dan swallows and meets her eyes. “And what if I don’t?”

He’s still calculating the pros and cons, Amy realizes. Whatever she says next will make up his mind. But what is Dan most afraid of?

“I’ll tell Selina. What do you think; would she fire you, or just demote you? Either is fine with me, really.”

“Shit, Amy, that’s cold,” Jonah almost whispers. To Dan’s credit, he doesn’t betray his reaction. He’s not done playing poker.

“All right. Call her, then.”

Amy feels like she’s been kicked in the stomach. Dan is trying to call her bluff, but was she bluffing? She’s not even sure herself. In any case, if she backs down now, Dan wins. He’s basically forcing her to go through with it. Doesn’t he know that? What’s his game?

Her fingers are trembling slightly as she pulls up Selina’s number on her phone. It takes fifteen whole seconds for her to pick up, in which Dan looks at her with a mix of smugness and apprehension (why?) and Jonah looks at her like he’s seeing some kind of monster.

“Oh, hello Amy! Did you find the report?” Selina sounds a little too happy to be talking to her, which probably means the wealthy old dude whose donation she’s courting is also trying to court her in return. Amy makes a mental note to text Gary later for some kind of exit strategy.

“I did, Ma’am. I also… found Dan.” Amy’s heart is pounding against her ribcage. This is stupid, right? This is literally the worst time to make this call. Why did she let Dan goad her into this, why, why, why.

“What? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Um…” Amy falters. Dan is watching her, his lip slightly curved upwards. _He thinks I won’t do it_.

“Amy, I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but I’m kind of in the middle of something right now, so unless you have something to tell me-“

“Dan is fucking Jonah!” Amy blurts out.

She holds her breath, her eyes squeezed shut. She doesn’t want to see Dan and Jonah’s faces. There are some muffled sounds coming from the other end of the line. Presumably Selina is excusing herself so they can talk freely. Amy thinks she might die. Seconds stretch into eternities.

“Ma’am?” She finally asks.

“So what?” Selina’s voice cuts through her like a knife.

“So- uh. Um.” She blinks a few times, looking at Dan as if he’s got some kind of answer. Dan stares back at her, chewing on his lip. “Did you. Did you hear what I said?” She laughs nervously. What the fuck is going on?

Amy can practically hear the eye-roll through her phone. “Yes, I heard you, Amy. Dan’s fucking Jonah. No shit.”

“I- wait, you knew about this?” Amy can’t believe this is happening. “I-I don’t understand, does everyone else know, too? Why is no one making fun of him?”

“Uh.” Selina audibly clears her throat. “The others don’t know, no.”

And there it is. Amy wishes she could slap Dan across his smug face. “Ma’am?” she asks apprehensively.

“Yeah?” Selina’s voice has gone suspiciously quiet, like she’s trying to disappear from this conversation.

Amy takes a deep breath. “What does he have on you.”

Selina sighs. “Look, Amy, you have to keep this to yourself, okay? I’m telling you, as the Vice-President and current Presidential candidate, to let this one go. Besides, what do you want me to do, ask him to resign? After three weeks? It’s bad optics and you know it.”

“But, they were fucking on your desk!”

“I don’t- wait, really? Eugh. Tell him not to do that anymore. And burn the desk. Or at least drown it in Lysol.”

Amy opens her mouth to answer, but Selina interrupts her. “Listen, I gotta go back to the table now, Ames. I don’t want this guy to think we’re having some sort of crisis here. Tell Dan to stop fucking around and get back to work on that report, okay? Buh-bye.”

And with that she’s gone.

Amy allows herself to keep pretending for a few seconds like she didn’t just get completely eviscerated and hung up on, keeping her cellphone pressed to her ear, thinking of her next logical move while Jonah and Dan have their eyes glued to her. She doesn’t come up with anything. There are no logical moves. Fuck it.

“So…” She takes a step towards the two idiots in front of her. “You were saying something about a threesome?”


End file.
